Hello again. It's been about 5 months since my surgery and I can happily say that I've healed well; both mentally and physically. It was a little hard accepting what happened but I think what helped me get through it was just getting back in to the routine of things. Cleaning my room, going down to dinner and talking to friends, getting back into uni work. And it all worked out great.

I graduated uni in December 2021 and about a week before that we managed to go on a road trip north of Perth but because it was nearing summer it got extremely hot and half of the time we seeked shelter and airconditioning. It was still pretty fun and memorable though. I then left Perth and returned to Singapore, got cov*d in the first week of February and I also landed my first full-time job.

I feel quite indifferent about it. I'm glad I got the job but I'm also terrified of it. Going into working and adult life is scary, people can be really mean and put you down. Some of my friends have gotten engaged, moved into their new homes, having children. It almost feels like I'm going through puberty again, except this time around it's transitioning from teenagehood to adulthood. There's so many changes happening around me and it gets pretty overwhelming at times. Let's just take things one step at a time. I feel okay, for now.

How has it been forever since I wrote on this blog? I'll try to catch you up on all the things you've missed since my last post. A LOT has happened but that's not the main reason I'm writing this right now. I'm currently going through a really rough patch and I'm not sure if it's just another "episode" (not sure how many more I have to deal with) or I'm just genuinely unwell in my brain and just not bothered to get professional help. I recently went through my first-ever hospitalisation and surgical experience in my lifetime and it was/still is pretty traumatising. I don't know why, but as I kept on crying for the past week, I thought of writing down about the whole ordeal. Just so that I could remember/reminisce/try not to forget about the whole experience and this blog just came to mind.

Prior to the whole abscess thing, I had chronic itching on my nether regions but I thought nothing of it. It went for several months and I didn't think to see a doctor because I didn't think they would be able to do much for me. It got so bad to the point where I'd be woken up at night just to scratch myself like crazy and would often tear the sensitive areas. Because of that, I'd find myself struggling to pee because it just felt like someone was cutting up my skin. It burnt and it was so fucking painful. Still I did nothing. I knew that I was gonna infect myself with some type of pathogen sooner or later. And then it finally did happen. 

29.09.2021

I don't know what came over me, but a few days prior, I booked an appointment with a female GP specifically who specialised in sexual health and gynecology (? maybe can't recall exactly) but my appointment was only available on the 6th of Oct. Who knew that it would all come rushing in sooner than that? I started to feel a lump between my butt cheeks and thought it was just another one of those small butt pimples that you get which eventually go away. It caused a little bit of discomfort but it wasn't severe enough to make me too concerned about it.

I had a little trouble falling asleep because it was uncomfortable and a little painful. I thought to myself, just bear with it for a little while. You've had these before, they're usually minor. Just focus on getting up early for the lab session tomorrow. At some point in time I fell asleep.

30.09.2021

I went to MICR lab that morning. I was in a bit of a mood and wasn't stoked at the idea of knowing that I don't have anyone familiar going into the lab with me. There were some familiar faces and acquaintances but we were nothing more than just "hi-bye" type of friendships. I sat next to a girl who had bright pink hair, knee-high doc martens (a bit jealous) and a frilly skirt. Her style was definitely grungey but when I spoke to her she was extremely friendly and was the one who actually initiated conversation.

The lab was lengthy, but great. It was my first time using a Bunsen burner to sterilise some of the lab tools because in poly we weren't allowed to use the burners and just used disposable inoculating loops etc. I was in a bit of pain and struggled to sit from standing. At some points I had to sit with my legs wide open, feet on the floor and my butt not actually touching the stool, just hovering. I knew I had to somehow rush the GP appointment. I made the decision to go to the clinic later after lunch. I came back to UniHall, grabbed lunch at the dining hall and met up with Michael, Ruth and Brian. I asked them if the clinic took walk-ins and they were unsure but were quite positive that they did allow them.

I was quite reluctant as I was walking to the clinic and my mood was extremely down at this point. I went up to the clinic and the receptionist told me that they wouldn't allow walk-ins because it was fully booked for the day. I then told them that I did have an appointment next week, but thought I'd come down earlier because I was in a bit of pain. When the lady heard that, she started to panic a little and very quietly asked me if the pain was really bad and where I was feeling it. At this point, I was getting a little choked up and was on the verge of tears. I vaguely circled my abdomen with my hand and she suggested that I see the nurse first to see if she could assess me first. I started to cry and grabbed some tissues off the counter.

When I met the nurse, she gave off the very indifferent vibes and she was more confused about why I was crying. I told her the whole itching and lump story to her but she couldn't do anything more than to advise me to put a cold compress and take some painkillers. She booked me in to see a female GP the next day because on that day there were only male doctors. I thought OK sure. Had I known it was more serious, I would've just seen the male doctor. Maybe, I don't know. This is a little more relevant to later.

So I left the clinic crying and having an anxiety attack. I didn't have the strength to study in the library like I planned to and instead walked all the way back to my room and had a good cry. I took a nap at some point and it was quite uncomfortable because of the pain and because I was still fully dressed at the edge of my bed. I woke up and got a text from Michael asking if I wanted to join them at a carnival. At first I was worried because I had a test in the morning and a quiz due in the afternoon the next day but I was also compelled to go out for a bit. So I did.

I bought the tickets, went down for a really early dinner and met up with them. Yan later decided to join and it gave us the added benefit of having a driver and free transport. I was in a bit of pain and discomfort here but still OK. I took some panadols but I wasn't sure if it's because they were out of date or because the pain was more localised and superficial that they didn't really do much of the painkilling. We drove to Clarement Showgrounds, went on a few rides, struggled to walk a bit, then went to MacDonalds before returning to UniHall. The pain was a little bit more pronounced at this point and I told Ruth about how I thought it might be hemorrhoids. We had a bit of girl-talk, talked about boys etc.

When we came back, I planned to study a bit more for the test but was in pain and was also mindlessly scrolling through my phone that it was midnight before I knew it. I decided to just go to bed, wake up a bit earlier and study before the test was available online. That night was excruciatingly painful. I could not sleep until 3am. Lying on my back didn't help, neither did sleeping on my sides. Everytime I tried to roll over or make very subtle lower-body movements, it stung like a bitch and the pain radiated down to my ankles. I decided this was getting even more serious. 

01.10.2021

I don't think I slept very well. Maybe 4 hours maximum of some sort of shut-eye. I woke up, got dressed and did the quiz. I was so close to getting a distinction and I couldn't help but beat myself up for it. I texted Huien and asked her to study together. She got back to me at her usual waking hours because I was up a lot earlier for the test. We studied up until lunch time and then we broke off to do lunch. She suggested that we study a bit later after lunch but I told her I had an appointment. I made budae-jjigae with whatever little ingredients I had but even then it was excruciatingly painful. Everytime I tried to sit or stand it hurt. It was worse when I bent down at the waist. I found the least painful position was when I was sitting on my feet but that just made my feet go numb.

I went to the clinic again and met the GP. My Universe was playing on the radio and it plucked on my heartstrings a bit. It was a bittersweet moment. The doctor was extremely kind and let me tell my side of the story without interrupting. She examined the lump and told me it was an abscess. She told me that I might have to go to hospital to get it drained. I thought it would just be a simple, straightforward procedure like popping a pimple but with sterile equipments and it would just take less than 3 hours max. I was so wrong. She told me to get someone to drive me to the A&E at SCGH. I got a bit panicked.

I could feel myself starting to cry again but I held it in until I left the office. She was extremely kind and empathetic that I burst into tears in the waiting room. I gripped the referral letter in my hand and left the clinic solemnly. Did I go to the hospital straight? No. The workaholic and anxious me went to the library and finished the quiz that was due that evening. I was afraid of missing the deadline and not getting a valid excuse later on to get some leniency for it. I'm not proud of what I did. I knew I should have just dropped it and went to the hospital earlier. I was crying in the library and tried to gather my thoughts. What would I need? I'd probably need my passport, insurance details. What else?

I struggled to walk back to my room because the pain just seemed even more pronounced than ever. I was limping, it was raining, it took me twice as long to reach my room and I immediately called Ckg Ayu. I tried to hold it in but when I heard her voice starting to sound concerned, I burst into tears again. She sounded panicked, and assured me that she would come round and pick me up to bring me to hospital. She told me to gather my things, calm down, and pack some clothes just in case. I wasn't 100% confident that they would keep me more than a night (at worst) so I only packed an extra underwear and a pair of sweatpants. 

She picked me up and we went to the A&E at SCGH. We waited for about 3 hours until I was properly assessed by a doctor. I think the abscess at some stage here, started to discharge itself because as I got up to walk to the assessment ward, I didn't feel much pain and my legs started to feel wet. They told me to collect a urine sample and that was when I discovered blood on my underwear. I quickly assumed it was my period but it was a little earlier than expected. I gave a mid-catch sample so as to not get the blood in the urine sample and walked over to the assigned bed.

I asked for some sanitary pads, put them on and went back to the bed again. They took some vitals, drew some blood. I felt quite comfortable here. I wasn't in much pain anymore. I just realised how comfortable the bed was, that's all. I then asked the doctor who took my blood if I could be assessed by a female doctor and she told me that while she couldn't guarantee it, they would try their best. I totally understood and was quite confident I'd be OK with a male doctor examining me. Later on a female doctor came and looked at the abscess, confirmed that it was starting to discharge itself and reported it to the male doctor that was supposed to be in charge of me. 

He came over, told me that they'd put me on antibiotics overnight which meant they'd keep me in there. Ckg Ayu came in with my belongings, she assured me that it was fine. I finally called Ibu and told her the whole story. She immediately transferred me a large sum of money which just made me even more panicked. I was dreading the IV cannula but thankfully they inserted it on my lower arm and not at the back of my hands because I don't think I'd manage well with them there.

I got changed, got the antibiotics administered and was wheeled into a more quiet ward. I had a room all to myself and it was really quiet. Dead silent. All I could hear was a distant snoring from another patient or their relative in the next room. The nurses were really kind and told me that because they might need to perform surgery (! yes this made me so anxious) that I had to fast and couldn't eat after midnight. At this point, I realised I had skipped dinner entirely because we were waiting in the A&E to be served and it was already 11pm. 

The nurse gave me a vegetarian sandwich with tomatoes that I reluctantly swallowed and a cup of watered down milo. I wasn't complaining. I just really wanted to stave off the hunger for fear that they wouldn't feed me in the morning. My arm hurt a little bit, it felt cold and like I was cramping up but it was just the antibiotics. Once they gave me some fluids it got better and I managed to fall asleep at some point. It was really relaxing and at some points I forgot that I was in a hospital. The nurse came in every 2 hours to check on my vitals and I wasn't too bothered by it.

02.10.2021

In the morning, a female doctor came in and assessed the abscess. She told me that they had to perform surgery to drain it and I was so devastated. My heart shattered and I was terrified. Everything else happened really quickly. An elderly HCW came in to perform a checklist with me and she told me off when I wouldn't stop texting other people about how I was literally about, to, enter, surgery. She instructed me to take a shower with some antiseptic soap, put on a fresh gown and remove my jewelry. I couldn't remove my bracelet and so she just taped it onto my wrist so it didn't move around.

When the porter came in to pick me up for surgery, I was thrown aback at how quickly I was going into it. I said my final goodbyes to Huien (yes I was terrified) and got told off again by that same lady about how I wouldn't live without my phone. They wheeled me to the recovery area outside of the operating theatres and did another checklist with me. There was another lady who was just coming out of surgery and the doctors were trying to rouse her. Another man came in after me and wished me luck as it came to my turn. The doctors there also wished me well as I was being wheeled into the operating room and that was when it really hit me.

I burst into tears and couldn't hold myself back here. I was so upset. So many thoughts went through my head but the main one was how did I get to this point? I was nervous and anxious. The anesthesiologist tried to calm me by asking me about what I'm studying and at what point of my studies I'm at. It relaxed me a bit but then another anesthesiologist came to my side and assured me that they knew what they were doing, that they'd take good care of me and that anesthesia nowadays is very safe. No one warned me about the emotional baggage I'd have to deal with afterwards though.

I was given some medications through my cannula, pushed into the OR, moved to the operating table and they gave me more medications. They gave me a gas mask and told me to take deep breaths. I took huge breaths, partly because I was on the verge of hyperventilating from anxiety, but I looked up at the lights above me and focused on breathing. It smelt a bit off, and then that was my last memory. I woke up in the recovery room later, it didn't feel long at all. I heard the doctors working around me and trying to talk to me. I was surprised to be able to move around more than I expected. I told the doctor that I had to wee really bad and she brought a bedpan over.

They brought my bed up to a sitting position so I could pull myself up. Yes, I had to pull myself up but I was surprised at my strength considering how weak I felt, overall. I pulled my mesh underwear that they'd put me in and squatted on the bedpan. It was quite hard to pee and I didn't have much control on releasing the pee. It came at very short intervals. Afterwards the doctors realised I had soiled the dressing and so they applied a new one. It was so exhausting being rolled over and they also placed an oxygen cannula on me just to make sure my oxygen saturation didn't decline. I remember shivering and hearing one of the doctors ask if I was cold. I nodded my head and they tucked me into warm blankets. Real warm, like the kind that just came out of a dryer. I fell back asleep at some point and then woke up again because they were transferring me to the general ward.

I was half awake when they wheeled me to my shared ward. I wasn't sure how many other patients were with me but I told the nurses that I had to pee again. I tried to pee once, but nothing much came out and then not long later I told them I had to pee again and they gave me the bedpan again. I think I peed more than expected because I managed to soil the bedsheet and they had to change it using the log-roll method. It was so tiring and I also soiled the dressing again. They eventually removed the oxygen cannula because my O2 sats were back to normal but they were quite worried about my low BP. They did a bladder scan with what looked like an ultrasound machine, to measure the amount of urine left in my bladder. It was about 300ml.

I fell back asleep after one of the french nurses questioned me if anyone was coming to see me. I told her I was fatigued and she laughed because she thought I was speaking to her in french. She was extremely nice and I miss her a lot. Too bad she was off her shift at 9.30pm that night. I woke up to her measuring my BP and Ckg Ayu was beside me. I burst into tears and my HR immediately shot up. They acknowledged that it was because I was a little upset and distressed so they tried to calm me down and my HR subsequently went back down. I was a bit groggy and sleepy but I managed to have full conversations with Ckg Ayu, albeit a bit slower than normal.

I had a few bites of dinner and then I had to pee again. The nurse suggested that I get up from bed to prevent bedsores and so I sat on the chair for a bit. I felt really lightheaded when I stood up and thought I might be a fall risk at this point. The nurse then brought me to the toilet so I could pee but she also placed a bedpan in the toilet so she could measure how much I was peeing. I nearly fell over in the toilet because I felt dizzy. She suggested I use the bedpan on my bed but I was adamant on using the toilet. I sat down and the urine came out in short intervals again. When I thought I was done, I wasn't. The pee started again. It was like it was partially out of my control. But I felt a lot better when I was truly sure that I'd emptied majority of the urine.

When I got back to my bed, walking slowly like a full term pregnant lady, they did another bladder scan and there was only 60ml of urine left in my bladder which was great news for them. I later learnt that anesthesia can cause urinary retention and I was glad that I could clear my bladder on my own without needing a catheter inserted or anything. I went back to bed and slept again. The nurses came to do my vitals throughout the night and I was feeling a lot better and conscious in the middle of the night. They stopped my antibiotics and IV fluids.

03.10.2021

I woke up to a lady drawing blood from the patient next to me and then she came over and took mine. I find that I tend to hold my breath when I get blood drawn. I know it's a bad habit that could cause me to faint but it felt like it couldn't be helped. I was in bed anyway. I had breakfast, met the surgeon who operated on me and he told me that it was a very superficial abscess. It was straightforward and that I could be released, considering my vitals were normal and no signs of further infection. I felt lost at this point. 

The nurses took out my cannula, stopped coming to check on me and I just laid in bed waiting. I fell back asleep at some point and the nurse told me that they were just waiting for the doctor to sign some paperwork so they could release me. But that it was taking some time because he was in another surgery. I got really bored and was fully awake now. They served me lunch as well and then at that point I decided to just get up and hopefully they'd rush a bit to attend to me. I got changed but was a little scared to clean myself after peeing for fear of ruining the dressing. I asked the nurse to check on my wound but they told me that there was just some packing that they inserted post-surgery to soak up any residual blood and pus.

They told me to just keep the area clean and wear a sanitary pad to replace a normal dressing. It sounded so simple but I couldn't help overthink it. It almost sounded too simple, that's why. And I felt like staying a third night honestly. Being around a team of doctors and nurses felt more comforting, knowing that I can be cared for unlike living alone and needing to attend to my own needs, worrying if there might be something wrong with me and not knowing what to do. I was reluctant to leave basically. But I got the feeling that the nurses wanted me out ASAP and I knew I couldn't stay longer because there are probably other patients who need the care more than I do. 

I got dressed, packed up and sat at the foot of my bed until another doctor gave me my documents and told me about my care plans. I was told to take sitz baths and I'd have to be resourceful on that because how is a uni student living in a college supposed to do that? I asked Michael to accompany me back and he walked to the hospital, called an uber and we rode back to UniHall. The weather was warm but cool at the same time. I felt strange and out of place. My room was a mess, just as it was before I left and I crashed into bed. I wasn't in pain anymore, well at least not physically.

I woke up sometime during dinner but didn't have the mental strength to fix myself anything. I also didn't want to see anyone. I burst into tears and had a full-blown panic attack when I saw the wound. It was worse than I'd thought. I thought that they would give me stitches and that my skin would look relatively normal but it was like a crater. It was a deep hole and it wasn't very well-circumscribed. The edges were jagged and this threw me off even further. I found myself wailing.

I didn't care if my neighbours could hear me wailing and screaming. I was in so much trauma and my emotions were completely unstable. Ckg Ayu called and I cried to her. She offered to come around but I refused to let her see me in this condition. I was so horribly devastated and upset and angry. The entirety of this week, up to the point of me writing this post, I was given medical leave and I didn't do much uni work at all. I tried to do some work, some paperwork and some chores but really I couldn't do much.

My laundry's been hanging out for more than a week now. My mind is just at an all time low. I woke up, ate breakfast, went back to bed, woke up, cried, washed myself, ate dinner, cried and went back to sleep. Everytime I showered and tried to wash the wound, I burst into tears. Touching it was so disgusting. I felt violated, upset that my body was just there for the surgeons to work on and I felt empty when they removed a small part of me, even though that part was causing harm to my health. They were merely doing their jobs, but it felt like my privacy was invaded, part of me was taken away, obviously consensually when I signed the agreement papers but I wasn't conscious during surgery, so I would never know about what happened during that time.

I don't feel whole and I feel like I'm grieving a loss. I'm scared that I might spiral deeper. I booked for an appointment with the same GP but I can only see her on the following Monday. I hate that she's only in for 2 days of the week and that she's always booked up. I hate that everything had to happen so quickly. That I was never really able to process everything until after I left the hospital. It all felt like a fever dream. Except that it's not because the scar's there to remind me every time I wash myself. I don't know how I'm going to get back into doing uni work again. 

I took time off the entire week and really didn't touch much. But I can't continue like this because exam's in less than a month. I wish my mind would clear up just a little bit more. I feel hopeless, upset, angry. Angry that I let myself reach this point, that there's no way for me to turn back time. I have to live with this trauma not knowing if it'd ever heal and return to how it was before this entire ordeal. I'm confused, anxious, worried that this might happen again in the future, if the wound will ever heal nicely and I won't have to live with a mutilated body part for the rest of my life. It may seem small and insignificant to others, that it was just a minor surgery but I feel absolutely distressed for some reason.

I also think about how I really just want to be cared for, to be supervised and looked after. Living alone for the past 1.5 years has really taken a toll on my mental and physical health. Not even including the border restrictions. I'm just so exhausted. I wish I was in hospital just so that I'd have someone to check on me every so often. I don't know how I'm going to cope with the transition when I return back to Singapore. I know it's not going to be easy at all. I struggled when I came back from Japan and that was only after about 3 months and not during a global pandemic.

Life is so different here than back in Singapore and so much has changed within such a short period of time that I am genuinely terrified of how I'm going to deal with life back home later. Which then prompts me to think if maybe I should just stay here? But then I won't know when I can see my family again or what I'd be even doing here. I'm exhausted, and I really wish I could it end it all. Just end the pain. 

20.09.2017

The first semester of my second year in poly really took a toll on me. I was kind of taken aback by the amount of modules I had and every module carried quite a heavy amount of credit units to my GPA. I recently received my semestral results and they were kind of disappointing. They're not bad, honestly, but if I were to compare myself against my other coursemates, I'd be slightly below average. Even if they received higher grades than me, they still somehow find a way to feel unhappy with their results. That's the one problem that I have being in this course (lol).

I can feel myself going into a relapse episode and I think that contributed greatly to my poor performance but I can't completely put the blame on it. I've been on the low for quite a while and when I try to take my time to take care of myself I end up lagging behind others so I can't really spend too much time on that, can I?

Alina x


06.03.2017

HELL AM I GLAD that I have finished my first year of poly. It's definitely something that I am passionate about but the competition is horrible and everyone's trying to beat each other so badly to the point that they would do almost anything. I have about 6 weeks of vacation now. Next week I will be going to Sabah for the first time ever and hopefully we'll be able to climb the mountain there. It's just a really short getaway but I can't wait to just chill and unwind for a bit.

In other news, I finally got discharged from having to go for regular appointments for my spine condition and I'm a bit saddened yet happy about it. I'm happy obviously because it just means that I don't have to travel all the way there but I'm also really sad about it because I kind of had fun getting x rays done and getting to know about my condition better. I suppose it's a good thing that the doctors think I'll be fine but we never know. It might just continue to worsen and there wouldn't be anyone to keep track of it now.

I'm gonna watch more korean dramas now, watch all the movies I missed out on and hoard books back from the library. Bye.

Alina x


30.12.2016

As you can probably tell, school didn't permit me to do much blogging the past two months and it was definitely a really bad term for me. I absolutely hated it when I had to be left alone with my classmates because I just feel really negative around them and I don't feel the slightest comfort with them. It's been 8 months and I still don't feel comfortable being around them. That either says a lot about me or them. Or maybe just our personalities clashing. It is the absolute worst feeling ever, I feel like killing myself every time I have lessons with them and my friend isn't around with me.

Anyways, I signed up for a Learning Express Program which is basically a 2 weeks trip overseas to complete a semester-long module. At first I was quite afraid to go for it because I just got back from my OCIP trip so it felt like it was going to be too much for me. Whenever people were pushing me to sign up for it, I just cowardly replied "i dunno" because the whole idea of it was just giving me a lot of anxiety. The preparations would be really intense, meeting new people, coming up with an innovative project etc. etc.

I was a bit relieved when my friend said that it would be totally okay if I didn't want to sign up for it because I do enjoy General Education and I really do. That is the only lesson that I look forward to most throughout the whole week. She said that she wasn't going to force me into it. I did like the idea that I'd be able to finish the whole module in just two weeks and I do want that but I didn't like the idea of not knowing which country I'd be assigned to go to if I were to be accepted and it scared the guts out of me.

With that little bit of reassurance from my friend, I told my mum about the program and I told her that I was contemplating it. Ironically enough, before that, she was talking to me about how she applied for a transfer to another school but got rejected. She was saying how although she was upset about it, at least she knew that she tried and that she applied for it in the first place. Then she told me to also just go for it. If I got accepted, that would be great. If I didn't, at least I knew I applied for it and I did try to put in effort for it. Maybe it just wasn't destined to happen, and that's okay.

That really made my confidence boost to another level and so I did apply for it and now I really hope to be accepted. I want it more than anything right now but it seems like I won't be going with the batch in March since two of my friends already received their acceptance e-mails. I think I still have a chance to go for the one in September next year. I am really really hoping and praying to go for it because now I really want to quickly finish that module and get it over and done with.

Exams were difficult but I honestly don't know how to feel about it anymore. Then we had the 3 weeks of vacation, something I was looking forward to so much since the start of last term because I didn't want to see certain people. The first week I went to Brunei with my parents and younger sister to attend a solemnisation of my mum's foster-sister (?). She studied there like 20 years ago and made a bunch of friends so they had a whole reunion and it got too emotional. I mean, 20 years and across the South-China Sea? It was pretty nice, though.

Then when we came back, we drove to KL, one of our favourite things to do. My dad loves to drive so he drove 3 hours there and then my mum loves to shop there since almost everything is muslimah-friendly and the currency rate gave us such an advantage. I also really enjoyed the shopping but now I have so much laundry to do. My sister enjoyed the indoor theme park and I did too although we only spent like half a day in that place. It was much smaller than how I remembered it to be when I was younger. We had a lot of fun though and then we drove 6 hours home, not sure why it took us so long to reach home when it was more straightforward going there; not counting the traffic jam.

Lastly, happy new year's eve eve. The next school term is starting, I have a lot of grouped projects to deal with but I really don't want to deal with it. Already looking forward to the semester break, which will be twice as long as this one. Gonna reaaaaally flush out all the stress and anxiety then. 2016 was great and not so great. I got into SP which was something I really wanted but not the class that I wanted. I got to go for my first overseas community involvement program with a group of people that I love dearly but we're not so close now anymore since we're all so busy. Anyhow, I'm hoping 2017 would be interesting and much more positive.

Alina x


05.10.2016

September flew by in a wink omg. So for the first two weeks, it was just solid meetings after meetings and discussions. I also recently moved houses so everything seems to be really messy and unorganised. I felt very anxious for the trip and it turns out that I thoroughly enjoyed it, in fact, I miss it so much it hurts. I miss the memories and I would do anything to relive it again. It was the most fun I have ever had.

The first week was quite plain and bland, we just started our community service and it was pretty fun, honestly. We gave English lessons to the students, did construction work which involved manual labour. We cut, bent and tied together metal rods to make the skeleton of the buildings, dug holes in the ground and formed a human chain to pass buckets of cement. I feel pretty nostalgic thinking about it right now and just writing this blog post seems to be really hard.

Shit started happening like midway through the trip. By shit I mean drama. LOADS of drama. There was some infatuation going on, gossiping, scandals, distrust. It was so hectic but now to think of it, I live for the drama. There was allegations which could not be settled as there was no 3rd party in the case. I'm surprised we made it out without getting the teachers involved. What an experience it was for me. We hiked up Mount Bromo, saw the sunrise which was the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on, other than my mother. The weather was so nice, the people were so full of love, I had the best time ever.

The last night was so much fun, the resort staff had a super fancy dinner for us and we had to be dressed in their traditional clothes. I was quite happy because I was the few ones who were super comfortable in my attire. I wore track pants under the batik, come on. They put together two video montages which was tear-jerking as hell. Then we had karaoke and it was hilarious. I couldn't really keep my eyes open for karaoke but somehow I managed to stay up for truth or dare. We stayed up till 4am.

There was no curfew since it was the last day so we stayed outside of our cottages, in a small hut and we talked about our dirtiest and darkest secrets. I couldn't stay up any longer after 4 and fell asleep outside with some of my friends. It was so much fun. When we arrived back at home and separated to our own families, I felt the separation and anxiety started to kick in really badly. I was so used to being with this group of people for over two weeks that it felt strange not having them around me?

We were literally around each other 24/7 for the two weeks that we were together and I had just created so many good memories with them that I felt so upset that everything just had to end. I am still trying to cope with the anxiety. The situation at home is not making it any easier for me, either and school is starting really soon. I need to do loads of mental prep work to ease back into school. But, on the very bright side of things, I still have two weeks of vacation left so hopefully that will buy me some time.

I will also be meeting up with my Surabaya team for dinner this weekend!! This is literally the most adult thing that I will be doing in my entire life. I am just so excited to meet them, I miss their faces. I know that we can't have the memories that we created back but what's the harm in creating more memories, right?

Alina x


26.08.2016

I literally finished one semester of my first year in polytechnic already. Shocking. This whole month was pretty hectic, I had a lot on my plate. Meetings after meetings and project deadlines. I'll also be flying to Indonesia in September for a CIP trip and therefore there's a lot of planning going on for that as well. Our group had a bonding day and where else to do it other than Sentosa!!! (notice my sarcasm pls). It wasn't particularly bad though, everything that we did was more or less consensual. We had lunch, played charades and then spent a lot of time traveling to the beach itself.

We played some ball games which was tiring considering how out of shape I am and the sandy terrain was just not my thing. So I just laid back for a while until it started getting cloudy and slightly thundery. We talked for a bit and then headed for home. It was a pretty chill bonding day thanks to the numerous amounts of people who decided not to come and therefore it was forced to stay very lowkey.

Then in school, I had class tests after class tests before the actual exams. I feel quite confident for Microbiology but I have so many regrets for my Math paper although I was confident I knew how to do most of the questions. Physiology & Biochemistry will be the death of me. I didn't study as effectively or as hard as I expected myself to and therefore I couldn't really answer most of the questions. The multiple-choice questions were relatively similar to what I did manage to study though, thank goodness.

I kind of wrote down just some bullshit answers for the essay questions because I really couldn't recall studying any of it or they just seemed really foreign to me. Anyway it's over now, so I just really hope that I at least pass the module because no way in hell am I taking that module again with a very specific lecturer that I cannot tolerate.

I also decided to try out my luck to secure a place in a diploma-plus program in Phlebotomy. From what I've read or known, it's a really useful skill especially in the healthcare sector and I could actually make money from it if I were to work part-time just taking blood from patients. So I decided why not, although the requirements to enter the programme is quite high and I honestly have no idea how I'm doing so far so I'm hoping for some kind of miracle.

Although even if I don't get this programme I'm hoping to sign up for another diploma-plus programme in Biosafety so that's the least that I'm aiming for. If I can't get either then that's fine as well. I guess I was destined not to take those programmes.

So the whole of September I'm probably going to be really busy preparing for the trip and I'll be gone for half of the month, looking forward to what might come soon. For now, I shall rest up and enjoy my semester break.

Alina x


31.07.2016

Term 2 was not even close to being more productive whatsoever. Although it was more hectic than last term. I found myself going home later than usual and I always feel tired out.

Anyways Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri :D It's actually already 26 Syawal but I'm still feeling a little bit of the raya vibes and the string lights are still switched on just to keep it that way until it officially ends. I had quite a good raya although it was a very short one because there was school before and after raya. Nonetheless it felt quite productive. We went to pray, visit my aunt at her new home, visited my grandmother and then two other houses from my mother's side. We came home quite early just in time for us to prepare for school the next day.

When the weekend came around, I was super excited for it because then we got to continue our raya. To be honest, I was not looking forward to raya only until the last few days of Ramadhan which was only when I felt a bit more hyped for it. I didn't get to go raya with friends though because we all turned out to be busy bees and couldn't really find a common time to go together. It only came down to three people being available but I wasn't really feeling it then anymore. Maybe next year we'll be able to catch up and go out together.

We're smack in the middle of the term and I am left with 5 weeks before the semester break and I am definitely looking forward to it because it will be six weeks of vacation for me and I'll be spending two weeks of it in Surabaya for community service. I was really pleased and grateful for getting accepted into this project because other projects to other countries were not really appealing to me. It is a lot of work, we are busy planning and it's another load of work on top of all our other work but I'm hopeful that it will all be worth it.

Alina x


07.06.2016

I always seem to be in a bad mood whenever I'm about to put up a new post. It's June already and we started the fasting month yesterday. It's been okay so far.

In the first week of May, I had a class outing/bonding session with my classmates which was mandatory. They basically forced us to build friendships through that day. I guess it was okay. I was really dreading it at first, I got really mad at the seniors for making something like that compulsory. But the activities were fine. We played ice-breaker games, designed our own cardboard shields, did station games, got myself soaked from the neck below.

The seniors were more conscious about whether we were comfortable doing the activities, most probably because of me but I'm not complaining. Towards the end of the day, it started pouring heavily and we just went home.

On one of the Saturdays, I went to my secondary school friend's college to watch her perform. It was her drama assessment but the theater was packed nonetheless. I had never been to a formal drama performance so it was a whole new experience for me. I found it slightly difficult for me to understand what the actors were talking about because every single one of them were playing different roles. At the end of the performance, everyone else was taking photographs and congratulating the performers.

I later found out that we were supposed to get the performers flowers. I guess it's etiquette? But like I said, it was my first time experiencing something like that so whatever. I guess I'll do that the next time. Then we went to eat at a really late timing and then we just went home. It was a pretty fun night spending time with the group of friends I used to hang with in school.

Then I had my mid-semester tests. Some of the papers were okay, others were really bad. I felt really awful especially for physiology & biochemistry because it was a really hard module and there was a whole lot of content to remember. I think maybe I'm getting more used to the new school life now and hopefully the next term will be so much better and productive.

Alina x


02.05.2016

Happy Labour Day! In the first week of April I volunteered to help out my secondary school in a recycling project. We call it R3 Day whereby the whole school goes out to different neighbourhoods in the area to collect newspapers, old clothes and other recyclables to be recycled. The money then goes to the school's student funds to help out those needing financial assistance. It all happened really fast and we were released about 3 hours before the stipulated dismissal time. It was pretty fun getting to know other alumni members at the same time.

Before my school term started, we had a pre-module practical session and the first half of it was actually really interesting and cool. We learned more in-depth things of what we did in secondary school and learned how to use the microscope. I met a few people who were/were not from my diploma course and they were all really friendly. After lunch, the second half of the session was really boring and we wasted a lot of time trying to get results which in the end didn't come up. So we were dismissed an hour earlier.

The next week I started the orientation programs for school and it was a very sad (?) experience for me. The first day was alright, it was just a welcome ceremony and getting to know our tutors. The second day was the induction programme and that was when it all went downhill. We had to do station games and it got all too overwhelming for me. I felt absolutely uncomfortable and I started panicking. I felt weak and wanted to excuse myself but we were all too busy playing the games.

It reached a peak when they made us do a forfeit because my team lost (we lost every single game btw) and we were made to do a really objectifying/inappropriate "cheer". By that time I wanted to kill myself so badly. I started getting an anxiety attack and one of the seniors came up to me and grabbed me by the wrists. That was when the tears started coming and I felt so stupid. She pulled me out of the classroom and I started sobbing. Like almost-screaming-sobbing because I felt like a fool and I wanted to die and I hated myself at that moment.

They took me to the washroom and I continued sobbing out of embarrassment. At that moment, in my head, I thought I was such an idiot, panicking just like that. I wanted everyone to leave me alone and just let me disappear. I was too embarrassed to tell them what was really going on in my head so they just assumed that I was uncomfortable with the boy-girl contact during the forfeits. I didn't want to go back to the games so soon because my eyes were still bloodshot red and I would just relapse. So one of the seniors took me to go for a short walk around the campus.

When I felt slightly calmer, she took me back and I was too scared of making eye contact with anyone because I didn't want them to see my post-crying face. I joined in the last game and then it was all over. I didn't tell anyone about what happened, only those in the room at that point of time knew about it. Afterwards we had tryouts for sports but my friend persuaded me to just ditch it and go home because she was too lazy. I didn't want to go home so soon, I kind of just wanted to stay there a bit longer but she really begged me to just go so I did eventually.

My parents came home shortly after I did and they had an argument. They've argued a lot these couple of weeks, for reasons I thought only had to do with their mood swings but somehow end up being a big deal. I was already feeling like shit from what happened just now and I just sunk deeper into a hole of wanting to kill myself. They went out afterwards, leaving me alone at home. I was too exhausted to think about ending my life there and then or pulling my hair out. I just crawled into bed and cried like a baby. I fell asleep in a sopping mess until my sister came home.


04.04.2016

Hello, we're now in the month of April and I start school next week but I do have a pre-module session tomorrow. In March, I did some volunteer work. I helped to pack some goodie bags for a charity event/fair and it was cool. The bags were made from recycled material so there was fluff everywhere and it made my nose itch a lot. Me and another lady who volunteered were given an allowance which was weird because it was supposed to be done voluntarily. I was still really grateful for it anyway.

Then during the primary/secondary school March holidays, I went to Batam with my family for the first time in my life and it was fun. We took a ferry there and did a lot of shopping. We stayed in our hotel and just chilled, watched dramas and movies. We went out for dinner at a cafe/restaurant. For their standard, it was considered a pretty hipster cafe so it was cool. I had a really good meal there although it took really long. I really enjoyed the trip although I was struggling with my monthly dose of mood swings.

Like I said in my previous post, I'm really excited to start school. I'm really hoping to be able to pull through the orientation programme quickly because they are my nightmare. I look forward to learning new things and getting a whole different experience in my education. It's not going to be easy but I'm willing to do it.

Have a great month!

Alina x


01.03.2016

Time really does fly and I have not done much in the past two months. I did volunteer to mind some children the other day and it was pretty fun not because of the children but because of the other volunteer who was apparently Irish and he was good-looking (mmhmm). Not to mention his accent which could have caused me to melt into a drain.

Then over the weekends I hosted two Japanese students. They stayed at my home and we went out to some of the places of interest in Singapore. It was pretty exciting although the language barrier made things slightly complicated. At least they didn't die so that's a good thing. Now I'm more than ever hoping to visit Japan so that I can meet up again with them and explore Japan because I've never been there before.

March seems like a pretty exciting month and I cannot wait to do loads of other things. I already have another volunteer project coming up and school will be starting next month. I got really excited when I received my enrolment package, seriously. I'm looking forward to starting over in a new school and I want to enter it with the right attitude.

Alina x


10.02.2016

So after I got back my results, I applied for a course in Singapore Polytechnic under Biomedical Science and it was one of my most wanted courses even before the O level examinations. I prayed really hard that I would be accepted and voila! I did get accepted into the school and I was overjoyed because it was one of my biggest goals after O levels. Now I just need to continue working hard and get my diploma at the end of the 3 years.

I went out with my best friend over the Chinese New Year long weekend because that was the only time she was available and I didn't have to be with my family. We decided to go to the Science Centre although both of us had already been there before. It was still really fun. We spent about two to three hours wandering around and playing on a trampoline until it started raining. There weren't any sheltered areas so we had to walk in the rain.

We had lunch and she started feeling nauseous, probably because of the trampoline and us running in the rain when it was still sunny. Thankfully she didn't get a fever. We took the train home and she rested afterwards. Although we didn't spend so much time of the day together, I was really happy to be able to see her because it has been about a year since we met after she graduated. It will also be much more difficult meeting up with her now when I start school.

We'll work it out :)

Alina x


11.01.2016

Happy New Year and a great start of the year for me. I received my 'O' Level results today and they were very pleasing. I had lunch with a group of my classmates before we went to school and it was pretty awkward considering the fact that almost all of us were introverts and we didn't really know what to say to each other. Anyway, then we walked to school and it was crazy. We had some briefings beforehand and when they announced the names of those who scored 7 or more distinctions, I was getting anxious.

So many people went upstage and I was slightly hoping that I would be one of them too. But they bypassed all those people who scored 7 or more distinctions and I got slightly upset because that was the only thing that I could have gotten, but I didn't. I was happy for the others, though. Then we received our result slips individually and I was overjoyed. I got 6 distinctions, better than what I expected. I was also eligible for many courses that I wanted in polytechnics. I may have teared up in joy but thankfully only one of my classmates knew.

I was very happy with myself and my dad was there too. I really appreciate my parents because they understood me well enough and never pressured me to do exceptionally well. They remained supportive throughout and encouraged me to strive for higher goals without being forceful or anything. My dad drove me home and right now I'm just chilling for a bit. Maybe tomorrow I'll do some research before applying for the courses that I want to pursue. Then maybe discuss with my parents before applying.

Today has been really great. I'm proud of myself, even though my results weren't close to those of a top scorer. I'm genuinely thankful for my supportive parents as well as teachers. Another phase in my education has ended but it is also starting a new phase. :)

Alina x


18.11.2015

Prom was shit. I hated it and I hate myself because of it. As soon as I arrived, I started panicking and freaking out because there were too many people and they were all unfamiliar. Turns out we weren't the only school that were having our prom at that hotel that night. Some other girls' school were there and they all looked like freaking adults. I immediately texted one of my close friends and she said she wasn't there so I got even more anxious.

I went up to register and then I found a group of people I knew. They were my classmates and they were the group full of smart people. Literally, they were top-scorers in almost every exam we had in school. They were kind enough to let me sit with them at their table but I felt so awful. I felt like I was troubling them because honestly, we were not very close. I only regarded them as classmates or acquaintances so I felt really out of place.

I nearly started crying before we even went into the ballroom but my close friend tried to coax me to relax and go to the washroom through text. I didn't cry though, and we went up to the buffet/bar area where we were served drinks and I drank the whole glass of orange juice. I don't like orange juice. I recognised most of the people there but all of them just seemed so different. They all looked really sophisticated and grown-up while I just stood there feeling like a child out of place.

We then went into the ballroom and took our seat at our designated tables. I hated the way I felt at that moment. The program started and there were several performances which I thought were okay. Then we had dinner. There were different rows of food serving different types of food like cold food(??) and main dishes I suppose? I didn't know which queue was for what so I just stood in a random line but I soon discovered it was for sushi and salad.

There's nothing wrong with it, though. I like sushi and salad but I also wanted to eat something filling. I was hungry and I paid a good amount of money just to be there but I was so stupid. I got my salad and sushi and went back to my seat. I did not go back to get more food from another line because I was a complete wuss. I hate myself so much. Why can't I just walk past a few people to get more food without feeling like a complete idiot?

I paid $60 for prom and all that I ate was freaking salad and sushi. What the hell is wrong with me? I ate it anyway and drank a lot of water. Then we had games. The first game was charades and I prayed so hard to not get picked to play because it was at random (for fuck's sake). Out of 300 people in that ballroom, I guess my prayers weren't answered because I got fucking called out to play charades. In front of 300 people?? At least only one person heard me swear under my breath.

I went upstage despite the fact that I felt like I wanted to die in a hole. I stood beside a friend who made me feel a little bit better until he left me to join another group. I wanted to run away so badly. We played the game and it wasn't even my group's turn yet but I was already feeling the anxiety attack coming again. Freaking hell, not again, right? Yes, again. Thank goodness I didn't burst into tears. Instead, I started getting cramps and lost all feeling in my hands and legs.

What fun, right? I was suddenly so conscious of breathing. I held onto one of my teammates' hand because I could feel myself trembling and I didn't want to just faint in front of an audience. She tried to calm me down but the more she talked it just made me more nervous and it gave me the urge to throw up. Thankfully, I didn't. It was our turn and we surprisingly did better than the other team so we won. I got a gift and went offstage. That was the end of all things horrible during prom.

Prom didn't end there though. We still had more performances and more games. There was the crowning of the Prom King and Queen. What load of bullcrap. A performance by teachers and that was the end of it all. I went up to my group of friends who were sitting at another table and we took some photographs together which was fine. We were ushered out because they wanted to clear the ballroom and all of us just squeezed in the bar/buffet area.

Okay maybe the worse parts weren't over yet. The area was just packed with people and I was just like "nope". I took a few last photos with my friends and then I lost them. So I decided to just leave the place and have my dad pick me up. Words cannot describe how I felt all the way home and when I finally reached my bed, I crawled under my blanket and watched The Ellen Show to sleep. I felt slightly better in the morning but my mood just went down again afterwards.

I opened up Twitter and Instagram and saw loads of prom pictures uploaded on my feed. All of the people in the pictures looked so happy and carefree. I'm not gonna lie, I felt extremely jealous that they were able to attend a social event without feeling so self-conscious and whatever I feel all the time. Then I started to wonder what my worth actually was. Am I really a valued person? Do people even care about me?

Stupid question, I know. Of course there's people who care about me. My family, close friends. But I somehow felt really jealous that certain people had so many people who valued them and admire them. I sound so bitter, I know. But it just didn't make sense to me and I can't help but question my self-worth. Should I judge myself based on the amount of approval I get from people? No, but somewhere deep down inside of me. It's telling me, yes, I should. It's killing me.


16.11.2015

!! Prom is tonight and that's scaring me enough. Our whole cohort will be there along with other teachers and that's just too much. What makes it worse is that I did not make any plans to meet up and/or to sit with a group of friends because they probably already have their own group of friends and maybe I was just being a bit of a wuss. Hopefully it will turn out okay.

I'll just sit at a table, make small talk with the people at the table (if they start the conversation), clap at some performances, pray that I won't get picked for audience participation-related performances and such, have dinner (and try not to look like a stupid person who doesn't know any table manners), look for my friends and take pictures with them, don't trip and make a fool of myself, try not to end up standing at one corner whilst everyone else is having fun.

Then I shall go home and hide under a blanket crying myself to sleep. Okay. Good. That's the plan. Hopefully nothing will go wrong and it will be a fun evening. Sigh. I'm so hopeless.

x


02.11.2015

Literally no one reads this blog but it doesn't matter, honestly. It's kind of therapeutic might I say. I am almost done with my GCE O Levels. I only have two more papers to sit for next week and that would be the end of my secondary school education. It has been a journey and I am quite upset with my performance for some of the subjects but am quite confident that I can score a pretty decent grade for subjects like Mathematics and Additional Mathematics.

I don't really have much to do right now. I'm kind of just waiting for the last two papers and then see what else is planned out for me (nothing much actually). I refuse to say that I am obsessed but I visit Buzzfeed way to often and I came across this article about people talking about certain misconceptions surrounding mental illnesses. The first person was diagnosed with PMDD or premenstrual dysphoric disorder and something clicked inside of me.

I did what other normal human being would do. I looked it up on Google and read a few websites that were talking about it. I found myself relating to a lot of the symptoms and I got slightly worried. PMDD is a more serious form of PMS and it can lead to depression and/or GAD (generalised anxiety disorder). In my case, I definitely experience the symptoms of PMDD; extreme mood swings, agitation, anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and out of control, physical symptoms like cramps, headaches, fatigue, bloating etc.

The thing about PMDD is that the symptoms usually go away once menstruation starts. The symptoms are usually at a peak one or two weeks before menstruation and I can strongly relate to all of it. I do understand that whatever I read on the internet may not be 100% accurate or true and I'm probably being my hypochondriac self. It is worrying, definitely. I do want to get help. Not just because of the self-diagnosing PMDD but for many other reasons. However, I don't think that my family will actually take it seriously unlike a physical illness.

That's the whole problem with mental illnesses and society. Just because you can't see that a person is feeling unwell or ill, doesn't mean that they're not struggling. Mental illnesses are just as serious as physical illnesses and should be taken more seriously. They're people too.


25.09.2015

Yesterday we commemorated Hari Raya Haji and it was a very meaningful day. We got up early and went to the mosque to witness the slaughtering of sheeps. I didn't get to see the first one but i got to witness the other two sheeps. I didn't feel as if I had to be sympathetic because I knew that it was something normal and of course it was for a good cause. My dad only took a third of the meat and the rest were distributed to the needy like foreign workers and low-income families.

I was really upset when I heard that there were petitions online to stop the slaughtering of cattle on this day. It's not as if what we're doing it for fun or for sport. We don't hold up the meat like it is a trophy for killing the animal. The animals are treated with care. They're properly fed, placed in a proper place and slaughtered in a way such that it causes least pain to the animal as possible and that is by slitting the throat. The blood then flushes out of the body and within a minute, that would have been it. Furthermore, the meat is distributed to the needy may I reiterate that again.

We don't plant bombs into the dead carcass and explode it. It's a practice that we do and have been doing for the past 1400 years. As if people don't eat meat everyday that comes from animals that have also been slaughtered for food? I don't quite get how they're directly targeting us. If you're so against it, why not just protest against the slaughtering of animals for food worldwide? Turn all of us into vegans? Hypocritical judgements like these are inevitable but I believe that we are practicing our religion in a humane manner. In no way do we have bad intentions.

Alina


20.12.2014

Hello! Well it is almost midnight and today i literally spent half the day sleeping. I got up at noon and had breakfast and did minimal amounts of homework. My dad cooked us some lunch in the afternoon and we basically didn't do anything for the next three hours. In the evening, we brought my grandmother out for dinner and the food was delicious but i feel super stuffed and it was a lot of fun.

By the way it was my birthday yesterday! It was one of the most memorable birthdays in my entire life. I genuinely felt really happy. I received gifts which i am very very thankful for and i appreciate all of it. A friend of mine even dropped by to deliver my gift personally at my house. It was really sweet of her to do so. We went out for lunch and then went to a mall somewhere in the south area and i bought a mini grumpy cat keychain! It is super adorable. I wanted the bigger grumpy cat but i felt that it would be too much so i just got the small one. It's still cute nonetheless and i'm so thankful for it. We had dinner with my uncle (who shares the same birthday as me) at a fancy restaurant and the food was so delicious. I had so much fun and it was genuinely a really happy day for me. I also received little notes and cards from friends and they all stated cute things about me and just stuff they admire or appreciate of me. I think it's just the sweetest thing ever and i'm so blessed to have such amazing friends who i love to death. I hung up the cards and letters above my bed just so that it'd be a reminder to myself that i am privileged and so lucky to have friends who appreciate and cherish my existence. They are the cutest and i love them. My family was also super sweet to me and i can't thank them enough.

My laptop's kind of weirded out and i constantly have to knock on the screen or shake it so that it would go back to its normal state. But whatevs it's cool.

21.12.2014
Well since school is starting soon i probably have to get my body clock right so i will just have to go to bed right now.

Alina x


09.12.2014

Hello! On Saturday I actually forgot to mention that I baked cookies. They turned out lovely and better than the last time I baked them. Also, I realised that my flour was expired but I used it nonetheless because it was only about a week since it expired and I felt that it was still okay to use it. There is still some leftover though and I have the craving to bake somemore. I googled a brownie recipe and I'll just need cocoa powder for it which we do not own currently. Hopefully I'll be able to get some and the brownie will turn out a success.

The next day I visited my grandmother and it was really fun until it started to pour heavily and we couldn't play outside. I was also contemplating whether or not I should stay the night but I didn't have any changing clothes. I decided to just take a longer but sheltered journey back home and we got home slightly wet. I enjoyed the train ride (somehow) but I really despised the bus ride. It took us about 20 minutes until a bus arrived and the bus driver was practically careless and I mean literally not caring about the passengers. We nearly fell over everytime the bus started to move and whenever it made a sharp turn. It was so annoying but we got home safe.

Yesterday and today has been stay-at-home days and honestly I haven't been feeling my best. I was worried, anxious, irritated and I just felt really down. I spent most of the day in bed and only getting out of it to get food and then I crawl back into bed. I sound like a depressing whale but I honestly hated the way I felt. I was thinking of my parents, they are currently in Jordan and they will be traveling into Palestine. Of course, how can I not feel uneasy? My heart just tightened and I kept imagining situations which obviously is really stupid of me. It made me feel much more worse.

On Twitter and Instagram, I see many people posting pictures and talking about how they spent their day. Most of them looked really fun and enjoyable and it somehow just made me feel even more alone even though I know I have friends too and I can spend my days just like them. I really don't like how I was feeling and I wish I didn't make myself do that every single time.

On a much brighter note (I suppose), tomorrow I will be going out with two of my friends and we're going to Ikea which sounds really exciting. I'm looking forward to getting more candles because I really love them and some of them have dessert scents!! The food at their canteen is also really delicious and I just hope it will be a really fun day with them.

Alina
x

P.S. Even though I sound enthusiastic and excited about it, I'm still kind of anxious at the same time. I turned them down when they invited me out once and I don't know, I just feel really scared of what they might think of me. I know they're two of my closest friends but I still have this feeling of anxiety. I really hate it and I hate that I constantly go through this everytime there's a social event or just a simple outing. I hate it so much. I have so much going through my mind and I think of unhealthy situations that make me freak out. I am so sorry to whoever I'm affecting and causing inconvenience to especially my parents because they usually brush it off and think of me as being really annoying. My friends because most of them have no idea what happens in my head. I don't like it either honestly. I really don't.

P.P.S. I'm sorry this post was so stupid.

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