18.11.2015

Prom was shit. I hated it and I hate myself because of it. As soon as I arrived, I started panicking and freaking out because there were too many people and they were all unfamiliar. Turns out we weren't the only school that were having our prom at that hotel that night. Some other girls' school were there and they all looked like freaking adults. I immediately texted one of my close friends and she said she wasn't there so I got even more anxious.

I went up to register and then I found a group of people I knew. They were my classmates and they were the group full of smart people. Literally, they were top-scorers in almost every exam we had in school. They were kind enough to let me sit with them at their table but I felt so awful. I felt like I was troubling them because honestly, we were not very close. I only regarded them as classmates or acquaintances so I felt really out of place.

I nearly started crying before we even went into the ballroom but my close friend tried to coax me to relax and go to the washroom through text. I didn't cry though, and we went up to the buffet/bar area where we were served drinks and I drank the whole glass of orange juice. I don't like orange juice. I recognised most of the people there but all of them just seemed so different. They all looked really sophisticated and grown-up while I just stood there feeling like a child out of place.

We then went into the ballroom and took our seat at our designated tables. I hated the way I felt at that moment. The program started and there were several performances which I thought were okay. Then we had dinner. There were different rows of food serving different types of food like cold food(??) and main dishes I suppose? I didn't know which queue was for what so I just stood in a random line but I soon discovered it was for sushi and salad.

There's nothing wrong with it, though. I like sushi and salad but I also wanted to eat something filling. I was hungry and I paid a good amount of money just to be there but I was so stupid. I got my salad and sushi and went back to my seat. I did not go back to get more food from another line because I was a complete wuss. I hate myself so much. Why can't I just walk past a few people to get more food without feeling like a complete idiot?

I paid $60 for prom and all that I ate was freaking salad and sushi. What the hell is wrong with me? I ate it anyway and drank a lot of water. Then we had games. The first game was charades and I prayed so hard to not get picked to play because it was at random (for fuck's sake). Out of 300 people in that ballroom, I guess my prayers weren't answered because I got fucking called out to play charades. In front of 300 people?? At least only one person heard me swear under my breath.

I went upstage despite the fact that I felt like I wanted to die in a hole. I stood beside a friend who made me feel a little bit better until he left me to join another group. I wanted to run away so badly. We played the game and it wasn't even my group's turn yet but I was already feeling the anxiety attack coming again. Freaking hell, not again, right? Yes, again. Thank goodness I didn't burst into tears. Instead, I started getting cramps and lost all feeling in my hands and legs.

What fun, right? I was suddenly so conscious of breathing. I held onto one of my teammates' hand because I could feel myself trembling and I didn't want to just faint in front of an audience. She tried to calm me down but the more she talked it just made me more nervous and it gave me the urge to throw up. Thankfully, I didn't. It was our turn and we surprisingly did better than the other team so we won. I got a gift and went offstage. That was the end of all things horrible during prom.

Prom didn't end there though. We still had more performances and more games. There was the crowning of the Prom King and Queen. What load of bullcrap. A performance by teachers and that was the end of it all. I went up to my group of friends who were sitting at another table and we took some photographs together which was fine. We were ushered out because they wanted to clear the ballroom and all of us just squeezed in the bar/buffet area.

Okay maybe the worse parts weren't over yet. The area was just packed with people and I was just like "nope". I took a few last photos with my friends and then I lost them. So I decided to just leave the place and have my dad pick me up. Words cannot describe how I felt all the way home and when I finally reached my bed, I crawled under my blanket and watched The Ellen Show to sleep. I felt slightly better in the morning but my mood just went down again afterwards.

I opened up Twitter and Instagram and saw loads of prom pictures uploaded on my feed. All of the people in the pictures looked so happy and carefree. I'm not gonna lie, I felt extremely jealous that they were able to attend a social event without feeling so self-conscious and whatever I feel all the time. Then I started to wonder what my worth actually was. Am I really a valued person? Do people even care about me?

Stupid question, I know. Of course there's people who care about me. My family, close friends. But I somehow felt really jealous that certain people had so many people who valued them and admire them. I sound so bitter, I know. But it just didn't make sense to me and I can't help but question my self-worth. Should I judge myself based on the amount of approval I get from people? No, but somewhere deep down inside of me. It's telling me, yes, I should. It's killing me.

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