//Forever Imperfect

Friday, December 30, 2016 @ 2:01 PM | 0 Comment [s]

30.12.2016

As you can probably tell, school didn't permit me to do much blogging the past two months and it was definitely a really bad term for me. I absolutely hated it when I had to be left alone with my classmates because I just feel really negative around them and I don't feel the slightest comfort with them. It's been 8 months and I still don't feel comfortable being around them. That either says a lot about me or them. Or maybe just our personalities clashing. It is the absolute worst feeling ever, I feel like killing myself every time I have lessons with them and my friend isn't around with me.

Anyways, I signed up for a Learning Express Program which is basically a 2 weeks trip overseas to complete a semester-long module. At first I was quite afraid to go for it because I just got back from my OCIP trip so it felt like it was going to be too much for me. Whenever people were pushing me to sign up for it, I just cowardly replied "i dunno" because the whole idea of it was just giving me a lot of anxiety. The preparations would be really intense, meeting new people, coming up with an innovative project etc. etc.

I was a bit relieved when my friend said that it would be totally okay if I didn't want to sign up for it because I do enjoy General Education and I really do. That is the only lesson that I look forward to most throughout the whole week. She said that she wasn't going to force me into it. I did like the idea that I'd be able to finish the whole module in just two weeks and I do want that but I didn't like the idea of not knowing which country I'd be assigned to go to if I were to be accepted and it scared the guts out of me.

With that little bit of reassurance from my friend, I told my mum about the program and I told her that I was contemplating it. Ironically enough, before that, she was talking to me about how she applied for a transfer to another school but got rejected. She was saying how although she was upset about it, at least she knew that she tried and that she applied for it in the first place. Then she told me to also just go for it. If I got accepted, that would be great. If I didn't, at least I knew I applied for it and I did try to put in effort for it. Maybe it just wasn't destined to happen, and that's okay.

That really made my confidence boost to another level and so I did apply for it and now I really hope to be accepted. I want it more than anything right now but it seems like I won't be going with the batch in March since two of my friends already received their acceptance e-mails. I think I still have a chance to go for the one in September next year. I am really really hoping and praying to go for it because now I really want to quickly finish that module and get it over and done with.

Exams were difficult but I honestly don't know how to feel about it anymore. Then we had the 3 weeks of vacation, something I was looking forward to so much since the start of last term because I didn't want to see certain people. The first week I went to Brunei with my parents and younger sister to attend a solemnisation of my mum's foster-sister (?). She studied there like 20 years ago and made a bunch of friends so they had a whole reunion and it got too emotional. I mean, 20 years and across the South-China Sea? It was pretty nice, though.

Then when we came back, we drove to KL, one of our favourite things to do. My dad loves to drive so he drove 3 hours there and then my mum loves to shop there since almost everything is muslimah-friendly and the currency rate gave us such an advantage. I also really enjoyed the shopping but now I have so much laundry to do. My sister enjoyed the indoor theme park and I did too although we only spent like half a day in that place. It was much smaller than how I remembered it to be when I was younger. We had a lot of fun though and then we drove 6 hours home, not sure why it took us so long to reach home when it was more straightforward going there; not counting the traffic jam.

Lastly, happy new year's eve eve. The next school term is starting, I have a lot of grouped projects to deal with but I really don't want to deal with it. Already looking forward to the semester break, which will be twice as long as this one. Gonna reaaaaally flush out all the stress and anxiety then. 2016 was great and not so great. I got into SP which was something I really wanted but not the class that I wanted. I got to go for my first overseas community involvement program with a group of people that I love dearly but we're not so close now anymore since we're all so busy. Anyhow, I'm hoping 2017 would be interesting and much more positive.

Alina x


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