02.05.2016

Happy Labour Day! In the first week of April I volunteered to help out my secondary school in a recycling project. We call it R3 Day whereby the whole school goes out to different neighbourhoods in the area to collect newspapers, old clothes and other recyclables to be recycled. The money then goes to the school's student funds to help out those needing financial assistance. It all happened really fast and we were released about 3 hours before the stipulated dismissal time. It was pretty fun getting to know other alumni members at the same time.

Before my school term started, we had a pre-module practical session and the first half of it was actually really interesting and cool. We learned more in-depth things of what we did in secondary school and learned how to use the microscope. I met a few people who were/were not from my diploma course and they were all really friendly. After lunch, the second half of the session was really boring and we wasted a lot of time trying to get results which in the end didn't come up. So we were dismissed an hour earlier.

The next week I started the orientation programs for school and it was a very sad (?) experience for me. The first day was alright, it was just a welcome ceremony and getting to know our tutors. The second day was the induction programme and that was when it all went downhill. We had to do station games and it got all too overwhelming for me. I felt absolutely uncomfortable and I started panicking. I felt weak and wanted to excuse myself but we were all too busy playing the games.

It reached a peak when they made us do a forfeit because my team lost (we lost every single game btw) and we were made to do a really objectifying/inappropriate "cheer". By that time I wanted to kill myself so badly. I started getting an anxiety attack and one of the seniors came up to me and grabbed me by the wrists. That was when the tears started coming and I felt so stupid. She pulled me out of the classroom and I started sobbing. Like almost-screaming-sobbing because I felt like a fool and I wanted to die and I hated myself at that moment.

They took me to the washroom and I continued sobbing out of embarrassment. At that moment, in my head, I thought I was such an idiot, panicking just like that. I wanted everyone to leave me alone and just let me disappear. I was too embarrassed to tell them what was really going on in my head so they just assumed that I was uncomfortable with the boy-girl contact during the forfeits. I didn't want to go back to the games so soon because my eyes were still bloodshot red and I would just relapse. So one of the seniors took me to go for a short walk around the campus.

When I felt slightly calmer, she took me back and I was too scared of making eye contact with anyone because I didn't want them to see my post-crying face. I joined in the last game and then it was all over. I didn't tell anyone about what happened, only those in the room at that point of time knew about it. Afterwards we had tryouts for sports but my friend persuaded me to just ditch it and go home because she was too lazy. I didn't want to go home so soon, I kind of just wanted to stay there a bit longer but she really begged me to just go so I did eventually.

My parents came home shortly after I did and they had an argument. They've argued a lot these couple of weeks, for reasons I thought only had to do with their mood swings but somehow end up being a big deal. I was already feeling like shit from what happened just now and I just sunk deeper into a hole of wanting to kill myself. They went out afterwards, leaving me alone at home. I was too exhausted to think about ending my life there and then or pulling my hair out. I just crawled into bed and cried like a baby. I fell asleep in a sopping mess until my sister came home.

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