Monday, March 6, 2017 @ 3:35 PM | 0 Comment [s]06.03.2017
HELL AM I GLAD that I have finished my first year of poly. It's definitely something that I am passionate about but the competition is horrible and everyone's trying to beat each other so badly to the point that they would do almost anything. I have about 6 weeks of vacation now. Next week I will be going to Sabah for the first time ever and hopefully we'll be able to climb the mountain there. It's just a really short getaway but I can't wait to just chill and unwind for a bit.
In other news, I finally got discharged from having to go for regular appointments for my spine condition and I'm a bit saddened yet happy about it. I'm happy obviously because it just means that I don't have to travel all the way there but I'm also really sad about it because I kind of had fun getting x rays done and getting to know about my condition better. I suppose it's a good thing that the doctors think I'll be fine but we never know. It might just continue to worsen and there wouldn't be anyone to keep track of it now.
I'm gonna watch more korean dramas now, watch all the movies I missed out on and hoard books back from the library. Bye.
Friday, December 30, 2016 @ 2:01 PM | 0 Comment [s]30.12.2016
As you can probably tell, school didn't permit me to do much blogging the past two months and it was definitely a really bad term for me. I absolutely hated it when I had to be left alone with my classmates because I just feel really negative around them and I don't feel the slightest comfort with them. It's been 8 months and I still don't feel comfortable being around them. That either says a lot about me or them. Or maybe just our personalities clashing. It is the absolute worst feeling ever, I feel like killing myself every time I have lessons with them and my friend isn't around with me.
Anyways, I signed up for a Learning Express Program which is basically a 2 weeks trip overseas to complete a semester-long module. At first I was quite afraid to go for it because I just got back from my OCIP trip so it felt like it was going to be too much for me. Whenever people were pushing me to sign up for it, I just cowardly replied "i dunno" because the whole idea of it was just giving me a lot of anxiety. The preparations would be really intense, meeting new people, coming up with an innovative project etc. etc.
I was a bit relieved when my friend said that it would be totally okay if I didn't want to sign up for it because I do enjoy General Education and I really do. That is the only lesson that I look forward to most throughout the whole week. She said that she wasn't going to force me into it. I did like the idea that I'd be able to finish the whole module in just two weeks and I do want that but I didn't like the idea of not knowing which country I'd be assigned to go to if I were to be accepted and it scared the guts out of me.
With that little bit of reassurance from my friend, I told my mum about the program and I told her that I was contemplating it. Ironically enough, before that, she was talking to me about how she applied for a transfer to another school but got rejected. She was saying how although she was upset about it, at least she knew that she tried and that she applied for it in the first place. Then she told me to also just go for it. If I got accepted, that would be great. If I didn't, at least I knew I applied for it and I did try to put in effort for it. Maybe it just wasn't destined to happen, and that's okay.
That really made my confidence boost to another level and so I did apply for it and now I really hope to be accepted. I want it more than anything right now but it seems like I won't be going with the batch in March since two of my friends already received their acceptance e-mails. I think I still have a chance to go for the one in September next year. I am really really hoping and praying to go for it because now I really want to quickly finish that module and get it over and done with.
Exams were difficult but I honestly don't know how to feel about it anymore. Then we had the 3 weeks of vacation, something I was looking forward to so much since the start of last term because I didn't want to see certain people. The first week I went to Brunei with my parents and younger sister to attend a solemnisation of my mum's foster-sister (?). She studied there like 20 years ago and made a bunch of friends so they had a whole reunion and it got too emotional. I mean, 20 years and across the South-China Sea? It was pretty nice, though.
Then when we came back, we drove to KL, one of our favourite things to do. My dad loves to drive so he drove 3 hours there and then my mum loves to shop there since almost everything is muslimah-friendly and the currency rate gave us such an advantage. I also really enjoyed the shopping but now I have so much laundry to do. My sister enjoyed the indoor theme park and I did too although we only spent like half a day in that place. It was much smaller than how I remembered it to be when I was younger. We had a lot of fun though and then we drove 6 hours home, not sure why it took us so long to reach home when it was more straightforward going there; not counting the traffic jam.
Lastly, happy new year's eve eve. The next school term is starting, I have a lot of grouped projects to deal with but I really don't want to deal with it. Already looking forward to the semester break, which will be twice as long as this one. Gonna reaaaaally flush out all the stress and anxiety then. 2016 was great and not so great. I got into SP which was something I really wanted but not the class that I wanted. I got to go for my first overseas community involvement program with a group of people that I love dearly but we're not so close now anymore since we're all so busy. Anyhow, I'm hoping 2017 would be interesting and much more positive.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016 @ 4:32 PM | 0 Comment [s]05.10.2016
September flew by in a wink omg. So for the first two weeks, it was just solid meetings after meetings and discussions. I also recently moved houses so everything seems to be really messy and unorganised. I felt very anxious for the trip and it turns out that I thoroughly enjoyed it, in fact, I miss it so much it hurts. I miss the memories and I would do anything to relive it again. It was the most fun I have ever had.
The first week was quite plain and bland, we just started our community service and it was pretty fun, honestly. We gave English lessons to the students, did construction work which involved manual labour. We cut, bent and tied together metal rods to make the skeleton of the buildings, dug holes in the ground and formed a human chain to pass buckets of cement. I feel pretty nostalgic thinking about it right now and just writing this blog post seems to be really hard.
Shit started happening like midway through the trip. By shit I mean drama. LOADS of drama. There was some infatuation going on, gossiping, scandals, distrust. It was so hectic but now to think of it, I live for the drama. There was allegations which could not be settled as there was no 3rd party in the case. I'm surprised we made it out without getting the teachers involved. What an experience it was for me. We hiked up Mount Bromo, saw the sunrise which was the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on, other than my mother. The weather was so nice, the people were so full of love, I had the best time ever.
The last night was so much fun, the resort staff had a super fancy dinner for us and we had to be dressed in their traditional clothes. I was quite happy because I was the few ones who were super comfortable in my attire. I wore track pants under the batik, come on. They put together two video montages which was tear-jerking as hell. Then we had karaoke and it was hilarious. I couldn't really keep my eyes open for karaoke but somehow I managed to stay up for truth or dare. We stayed up till 4am.
There was no curfew since it was the last day so we stayed outside of our cottages, in a small hut and we talked about our dirtiest and darkest secrets. I couldn't stay up any longer after 4 and fell asleep outside with some of my friends. It was so much fun. When we arrived back at home and separated to our own families, I felt the separation and anxiety started to kick in really badly. I was so used to being with this group of people for over two weeks that it felt strange not having them around me?
We were literally around each other 24/7 for the two weeks that we were together and I had just created so many good memories with them that I felt so upset that everything just had to end. I am still trying to cope with the anxiety. The situation at home is not making it any easier for me, either and school is starting really soon. I need to do loads of mental prep work to ease back into school. But, on the very bright side of things, I still have two weeks of vacation left so hopefully that will buy me some time.
I will also be meeting up with my Surabaya team for dinner this weekend!! This is literally the most adult thing that I will be doing in my entire life. I am just so excited to meet them, I miss their faces. I know that we can't have the memories that we created back but what's the harm in creating more memories, right?
Friday, August 26, 2016 @ 9:33 AM | 0 Comment [s]26.08.2016
I literally finished one semester of my first year in polytechnic already. Shocking. This whole month was pretty hectic, I had a lot on my plate. Meetings after meetings and project deadlines. I'll also be flying to Indonesia in September for a CIP trip and therefore there's a lot of planning going on for that as well. Our group had a bonding day and where else to do it other than Sentosa!!! (notice my sarcasm pls). It wasn't particularly bad though, everything that we did was more or less consensual. We had lunch, played charades and then spent a lot of time traveling to the beach itself.
We played some ball games which was tiring considering how out of shape I am and the sandy terrain was just not my thing. So I just laid back for a while until it started getting cloudy and slightly thundery. We talked for a bit and then headed for home. It was a pretty chill bonding day thanks to the numerous amounts of people who decided not to come and therefore it was forced to stay very lowkey.
Then in school, I had class tests after class tests before the actual exams. I feel quite confident for Microbiology but I have so many regrets for my Math paper although I was confident I knew how to do most of the questions. Physiology & Biochemistry will be the death of me. I didn't study as effectively or as hard as I expected myself to and therefore I couldn't really answer most of the questions. The multiple-choice questions were relatively similar to what I did manage to study though, thank goodness.
I kind of wrote down just some bullshit answers for the essay questions because I really couldn't recall studying any of it or they just seemed really foreign to me. Anyway it's over now, so I just really hope that I at least pass the module because no way in hell am I taking that module again with a very specific lecturer that I cannot tolerate.
I also decided to try out my luck to secure a place in a diploma-plus program in Phlebotomy. From what I've read or known, it's a really useful skill especially in the healthcare sector and I could actually make money from it if I were to work part-time just taking blood from patients. So I decided why not, although the requirements to enter the programme is quite high and I honestly have no idea how I'm doing so far so I'm hoping for some kind of miracle.
Although even if I don't get this programme I'm hoping to sign up for another diploma-plus programme in Biosafety so that's the least that I'm aiming for. If I can't get either then that's fine as well. I guess I was destined not to take those programmes.
So the whole of September I'm probably going to be really busy preparing for the trip and I'll be gone for half of the month, looking forward to what might come soon. For now, I shall rest up and enjoy my semester break.
Sunday, July 31, 2016 @ 10:59 PM | 0 Comment [s]31.07.2016
Term 2 was not even close to being more productive whatsoever. Although it was more hectic than last term. I found myself going home later than usual and I always feel tired out.
Anyways Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri :D It's actually already 26 Syawal but I'm still feeling a little bit of the raya vibes and the string lights are still switched on just to keep it that way until it officially ends. I had quite a good raya although it was a very short one because there was school before and after raya. Nonetheless it felt quite productive. We went to pray, visit my aunt at her new home, visited my grandmother and then two other houses from my mother's side. We came home quite early just in time for us to prepare for school the next day.
When the weekend came around, I was super excited for it because then we got to continue our raya. To be honest, I was not looking forward to raya only until the last few days of Ramadhan which was only when I felt a bit more hyped for it. I didn't get to go raya with friends though because we all turned out to be busy bees and couldn't really find a common time to go together. It only came down to three people being available but I wasn't really feeling it then anymore. Maybe next year we'll be able to catch up and go out together.
We're smack in the middle of the term and I am left with 5 weeks before the semester break and I am definitely looking forward to it because it will be six weeks of vacation for me and I'll be spending two weeks of it in Surabaya for community service. I was really pleased and grateful for getting accepted into this project because other projects to other countries were not really appealing to me. It is a lot of work, we are busy planning and it's another load of work on top of all our other work but I'm hopeful that it will all be worth it.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016 @ 9:01 PM | 0 Comment [s]07.06.2016
I always seem to be in a bad mood whenever I'm about to put up a new post. It's June already and we started the fasting month yesterday. It's been okay so far.
In the first week of May, I had a class outing/bonding session with my classmates which was mandatory. They basically forced us to build friendships through that day. I guess it was okay. I was really dreading it at first, I got really mad at the seniors for making something like that compulsory. But the activities were fine. We played ice-breaker games, designed our own cardboard shields, did station games, got myself soaked from the neck below.
The seniors were more conscious about whether we were comfortable doing the activities, most probably because of me but I'm not complaining. Towards the end of the day, it started pouring heavily and we just went home.
On one of the Saturdays, I went to my secondary school friend's college to watch her perform. It was her drama assessment but the theater was packed nonetheless. I had never been to a formal drama performance so it was a whole new experience for me. I found it slightly difficult for me to understand what the actors were talking about because every single one of them were playing different roles. At the end of the performance, everyone else was taking photographs and congratulating the performers.
I later found out that we were supposed to get the performers flowers. I guess it's etiquette? But like I said, it was my first time experiencing something like that so whatever. I guess I'll do that the next time. Then we went to eat at a really late timing and then we just went home. It was a pretty fun night spending time with the group of friends I used to hang with in school.
Then I had my mid-semester tests. Some of the papers were okay, others were really bad. I felt really awful especially for physiology & biochemistry because it was a really hard module and there was a whole lot of content to remember. I think maybe I'm getting more used to the new school life now and hopefully the next term will be so much better and productive.
Monday, May 2, 2016 @ 7:54 PM | 0 Comment [s]02.05.2016
Happy Labour Day! In the first week of April I volunteered to help out my secondary school in a recycling project. We call it R3 Day whereby the whole school goes out to different neighbourhoods in the area to collect newspapers, old clothes and other recyclables to be recycled. The money then goes to the school's student funds to help out those needing financial assistance. It all happened really fast and we were released about 3 hours before the stipulated dismissal time. It was pretty fun getting to know other alumni members at the same time.
Before my school term started, we had a pre-module practical session and the first half of it was actually really interesting and cool. We learned more in-depth things of what we did in secondary school and learned how to use the microscope. I met a few people who were/were not from my diploma course and they were all really friendly. After lunch, the second half of the session was really boring and we wasted a lot of time trying to get results which in the end didn't come up. So we were dismissed an hour earlier.
The next week I started the orientation programs for school and it was a very sad (?) experience for me. The first day was alright, it was just a welcome ceremony and getting to know our tutors. The second day was the induction programme and that was when it all went downhill. We had to do station games and it got all too overwhelming for me. I felt absolutely uncomfortable and I started panicking. I felt weak and wanted to excuse myself but we were all too busy playing the games.
It reached a peak when they made us do a forfeit because my team lost (we lost every single game btw) and we were made to do a really objectifying/inappropriate "cheer". By that time I wanted to kill myself so badly. I started getting an anxiety attack and one of the seniors came up to me and grabbed me by the wrists. That was when the tears started coming and I felt so stupid. She pulled me out of the classroom and I started sobbing. Like almost-screaming-sobbing because I felt like a fool and I wanted to die and I hated myself at that moment.
They took me to the washroom and I continued sobbing out of embarrassment. At that moment, in my head, I thought I was such an idiot, panicking just like that. I wanted everyone to leave me alone and just let me disappear. I was too embarrassed to tell them what was really going on in my head so they just assumed that I was uncomfortable with the boy-girl contact during the forfeits. I didn't want to go back to the games so soon because my eyes were still bloodshot red and I would just relapse. So one of the seniors took me to go for a short walk around the campus.
When I felt slightly calmer, she took me back and I was too scared of making eye contact with anyone because I didn't want them to see my post-crying face. I joined in the last game and then it was all over. I didn't tell anyone about what happened, only those in the room at that point of time knew about it. Afterwards we had tryouts for sports but my friend persuaded me to just ditch it and go home because she was too lazy. I didn't want to go home so soon, I kind of just wanted to stay there a bit longer but she really begged me to just go so I did eventually.
My parents came home shortly after I did and they had an argument. They've argued a lot these couple of weeks, for reasons I thought only had to do with their mood swings but somehow end up being a big deal. I was already feeling like shit from what happened just now and I just sunk deeper into a hole of wanting to kill myself. They went out afterwards, leaving me alone at home. I was too exhausted to think about ending my life there and then or pulling my hair out. I just crawled into bed and cried like a baby. I fell asleep in a sopping mess until my sister came home.
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